I took requests today. Not musical requests. Even better; writing requests; ergo I’m a wordpress DJ, y’all. Let’s see where it gets me.
My Facebook post requesting requests (yeah, that’s a thing) was endowed with a plethora of ideas, all of which I am pretty much jumping out of my skin with excitement about. One friend in particular had some awesomely unique ideas on what she was interested in hearing me preach write about. I’m totally indecisive so I’m going to fit as many of them into one post as possible and pray it doesn’t surpass the word count of a Twilight novel.
First, let’s just focus on the fact that I used the word “ergo.” Ergo is the same as “hence” or “therefore” yet people (in my general area) tend to think it’s this fancy word not suitable to pass through the lips (or fingertips) of Booger-Bottom/Manchester folks. (And yes, Out-Of-Town-Readers, Booger-Bottom is a for real place and no, you will not find it on Google Maps.) Can we just clear something up? Ergo doesn’t actually classify as a “big word.” Just because you don’t use it doesn’t make it a “big” or “fancy” word. Just because you think it’s spelled “air-go” doesn’t make it fancy either. On the same note, using ergo doesn’t make you smart, but does make you seem smarter. Some of y’all might want to give it a try…just sayin’. Experiment!! >> The next time you have to do a report for school, pull out the thesaurus and use it to bulk up your paper with vernacular even your English teacher probably hasn’t seen and you’ll likely pass just because he or she doesn’t want to have to pull out the dictionary to discern the meaning of your essay or admit to an acne-faced teen that their intelligence has been challenged by a tall wad of walking hormones. I personally think any 15 year old that can use “loquacious” correctly in a sentence deserves at least a 10 point head start on all the other kids. Even more if said teenager will openly admit to being a pretentious turd with full knowledge of what the word “pretentious” means. Just don’t pull a Stephenie Meyer or an E. L. James; let’s save terms like “incredulously” and “wanton” for glittery vampire BDSM novels, m’kay?
Speaking of Stephenie Meyer:
A.) Her name is Stephenie Meyer. Not Stephanie Meyer. Not Stephanie Meyers. No “a” in her first name, no “s” in her last.
B.) Why were there no lemurs in Twilight? Lemurs are obviously reincarnated Cullens. Or Cullens are reincarnated from lemurs; take your pick.
In the scene where Edward-Lemur-Hands walks into the sunlight for the first time, there was something missing. They had the sunlight, they had the pasty, weirdly semi-hairy bird-chest, they even CGI’d some (decidedly pathetic) abs on the man. But they were missing a very important part. The part where Edward’s lemur relation recognizes the glittering epidermis and golden eyes of his kin and thus propels himself from the tree directly above only to land precisely onto Edward’s head, clamp his little lemur claws around Mr. Cullen’s face and proceed to give him enthusiastic, dangerous, family reunion worthy “grandma-has-your-cheeks-in-a-death-grip” type hugs and teeth-baring, rabies-inducing kisses. Of course Edward, with all his vampire speed and strength, would freak out and immediately begin running causing the velocity and intensity of the wind itself to rip the entire coat of fur from the poor lemur’s body, leaving him naked and creating a sort of lemur-shaped hat for Edward to wear over his bouffant. His HORRIBLE, giggle-worthy bouffant. So horrible, in fact, that wearing a lemur hat over it actually makes it BETTER. Then, the lemur relative would have no choice but to become wildly offended and embarrassed that his own flesh and blood would be so crude as to depants him in front of a lady thus causing him to recruit the entire village of lemurs from all the Madagascar movies to Forks, Washington for purposes of Cullen-Clan Ass Kicking. Forget the Volturi; The Lemurs are the ones to be feared.
Immediately after the lemurs on the “Fear Me Scale” would be the zebra because important philosophical musings questioning whether a zebra is more white or more black could only lead to political debates on racism and supremacy that no one in Forks (or Spoons or wherever the heck you people live) would want to stick around for. That racial stuff just gets downright nasty and is entirely unnecessary. Stay. Away. From. The. Zebra’s! Don’t cross the lemurs, but don’t even speak to the zebra’s.
Those zebra’s are hard core, man.
They will trap you and get you to say things that will inevitably offend them. They’re like (some) women.
Exhibit A:
Woman: “Honey, does this make me look fat?”
Man: “No. You look beautiful.”
Woman: “You lying sack of _______ ***** _______*@#!$!!!!”
Exhibit B:
Woman: “Honey, does this make me look fat?”
Man: “Um….”
Woman: “I can’t believe you just said that you _______*@#!$!!!!”
Exhibit C:
Woman: “Honey, does this make me look fat?”
Man: “Yup.”
Woman: *cries – followed with numerous, snotty expletives.*
Just like zebra’s, there’s no winning with (some) women either. It’s best just to stay away from words like “fat” and “lose” and “weight” and “diet” and “antidisestablishmentarianism.” If you want your zebra lady to lose weight, the best thing you can do is start working out yourself. Encourage her to do activities with you that will be fun and get you out doing things together, but will also burn calories. Then you’re getting hot again, she’s getting hot again and you’re not being an ass about it. Win-win. Same works for men except you might have better luck getting them to run if you hi-jack the TV remote, put on some Nike’s and jog around the neighborhood blasting “Eye Of The Tiger” and holding aforementioned remote above your head like the golden egg in Harry Potter and The Goblet of Fire.
That’s about all the golden nuggets of wisdom I have in me today. I hope it made you laugh. Just saying the word “nuggets” makes me laugh. I’ll be back tomorrow (or Monday) with more McNuggets. *chuckle* I don’t know if they’ll be golden, but they’ll be interesting, that’s for sure. Thanks to everyone who contributed an idea to my writing list. I’m going to try to touch on all of them in the coming weeks. Have a great (zebra-free) weekend!
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